[Ladida]

Bette : „Sorry I’m so late sweetie. I forgot the three new natural childbirth books we were … “ [she sees Alice, Dana & Shane sitting on the couch]
Bette : „What’s going on?“
Tina : „I don’t know. These guys have something to talk about … „
Alice : „Maybe you should have a seat next to Tina!“
Bette : „Can I just … „
Shane : „Oh no, no. I have it.“ [takes her bags, Bette takes her seat next to Tina]
Tina : „Well, Shane, will you put that in the fridge? ‚Cause leaving hot food out brings bacteria to life. And Toxoplasmosis is a prevalent cause of birth defects. You get it from contaminated food, unpasteurised cheese and … „
Bette : „Cats. Cats.“
Tina : „Outdoor cats.“
Dana : „Slander against cats, write that down!“
Bette : „What are you writing anyway?“
Alice : „OK, here goes. The reason we’re here, your friends and family because we do consider you guys our family that’s why we were at that ritual thing … is to perform an intervention.“
Shane : „Look guys, my cousins did this for my Uncle Bill. He hasn’t had a drink since they put him in the straitjacket and hauled him off the rehab.“
Alice : „Thank you for that, Shane.“
Shane : „Sure.“
Alice : „Now, I know what you’re thinking … „
Bette : „Well, that’s a relief, because I can safely say that we both are just totally mystified.“
Alice : „An intervention is about helping people you love change destructive patterns of behaviour. Now, over the past approximately … „
Dana : „Twelve!“
Alice : “ … twelve weeks, we’ve noticed a very alarming pattern. Um … you two are having a baby and we are very happy for you.“
Bette : „Why wouldn’t you be?“
Alice : „We are.“ (to Dana) „Jump in any time!“
Dana : „OK. Um … guys. We’ve seen this happen with other couples that we’ve known. Janet & Sue, for instance, Claudia & Tammy. Oh God, especially Mimi & Ivy – wow, um, it would kill us, you guys, if you wound up like Mimi & Ivy. Okay and we wouldn’t be your friends if we just stood back and … let you get … so … so … „
Tina : „What?“
Shane : „Boring!“
Alice : „Boring.“
Dana : „Boring, guys.“
Bette & Tina : „Boring?“
Alice : „I know this is painful. Denial’s very common. It’s OK! That’s why we’ve actually made this list of incidents and this multiply-choice self-assessment test, which we’ll go through with you and then the two of you can fill it out together and tally the results!“ [hands them the papers]
Bette : „It has results?“
Tina : „Results you can … tally?“
Bette : „Jesus!“
Alice : „Okay, ready?“
Bette : „No, but go ahead.“
Alice : „Wednesday, March 5. TK arrives at The Planet with a catalogue of maternity underwear and takes up the entire breakfast making everyone choose between cotton granny-panties and wide-waistband stretch Lycra maternity briefs.“ [Bette looks at Tina]
Tina : „Sure, I did that, but I needed you to help me … „
Alice : „Acceptance is the first step, Tina! Dana?!“
Dana : „Right. Tina, this one’s for you from the questionaire. An appropriate response to the question is … ?“
Tina : „I don’t know … A.“
Dana : „A = B, which also would have been good But C? Shane!“
Shane : „Yep. Um … C = !“
Alice : „Bette, I don’t want you to think that this is just about Tina.“
Bette : „Oh, I’m sure. Bored the hell out of you.“
Shane : „Look guys, we love you.“
Alice : „We love you guys, we do!“
Dana : „Ditto.“ [gets hit by Alice] „Lo-ve you!“
Alice : „That’s why it pains us to see you in this down ward spiral. I mean, Tina, look at you feet.“ [Tina looks down, she’s wearing blue fuzzy slippers]
Bette : „Oh, look. See, it says !“
[Alice, Dana & Shane are looking at each other]
Alice : „That’s ok, so, uh, maybe I give you some copies!“
Dana : „Yeah, and here’s some extra in case you mess up.“
[and off they go]

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